“I’m not going to burn that bridge, but I won’t put weight on anymore either.”
I forgot what prompted me to say that in conversation, but I think it is important to talk about what happens after something goes wrong in any sort of relationship, but especially in a working environment. Over time in this community, we will all aim to come together to learn and grow as people and as leaders. We try to foster relationships and repair systems. But we can only be responsible for our own choices. Which is why we need to have this conversation now. Because not everyone will make those same choices.
In most industries you usually hit a point in your career where you realize how small the world actually is. That is usually about the point you also start seeing who you can trust and who you cannot. Trust is a word we throw around today without really taking time to discuss the definition. But we still seem to know more ways it can be broken than built. When I use the word “trust” in this context I am both talking about integrity (I trust you to not lie to me or about me) and reliability (I trust that when you say you will get the job done you will).
When someone breaks our trust, the initial instinct is want to run away, burn everything down or a combination of both. It hurts. It is disappointing. It is frustrating. But sometimes we don’t have that option. Either we are still currently working with that person or you might run into them into another fashion someday. And let me tell you, even if you think you’ve “left” a workplace it doesn’t mean you won’t run into those people professionally elsewhere or you end up coming back to the organization in a different fashion. The fact of the matter is you don’t know your professional future.
“But Stephanie!” you say, “You can’t ignore the evidence!”
No you can’t. And I don’t think you should. This person or this organization has shown their true colors. So what do you do?
You want to avoid burning bridges as much as you can in your career (as tempting as it may be), but you still need to protect yourself. The bridge has proven unreliable.
So don’t put any weight on it.
Let’s say you have learned a person isn’t reliable with deadlines. Either stop going to that person for things or set in certain levels of accountability so if he misses it there are consequences. Let’s say another person has lied to you about something or spilled a personal secret. You don’t go to them anymore with your personal opinions and you don’t ask for their input. Sometimes the only way through a project or process is a single “bridge,” but most of the time there are multiple ways to get a job done. Go around the bridge. Limit using the bridge. Anchor yourself in another way if you have to use the bridge.
Burning it down may only make it harder for you in the future (what if you do have to go back through it at one point) and cause a great deal of damage in the present (collateral damage is real if things get out of hand). There are times when cutting someone out of your life may seem like the easiest course of action (and there are times in truly mentally and emotionally abusive situations where this is necessary), but there are also times that isn’t even an option for you. But you can reassess the relationship and decide how much “weight” this bridge can hold and how much “weight” this person holds in your life. How you relate and use the bridge is still up to you in the end.
So leave the matches at home and pick up a map to find another way around instead.