When Feedback is a Gift (That Should be Returned)

I kept trying to find a nice way to put this, but I couldn’t so I am just going to say it:

Feedback is not supposed to leave you feeling confused, isolated or terrible about yourself.

Read that again.

If you leave some sort of check in or any sort of meeting where feedback is given and you feel like sh*t something is wrong. And it may or may not be the feedback itself (it could be, but not always). But at bare minimum how it was given went very, very wrong.

“Maybe you’re just too sensitive or don’t take criticism well.”

Sure. Maybe. But I would wager most of the time that is not the case. Also, if no one ever told you: You’re allowed to be sensitive. You are allowed to care about your work and yourself and be upset if you make a mistake or something disappointing happens. If someone is mean to you, you’re allowed to cry. Emotions are not a sign of weakness. Your job is make sure you 1) don’t let the emotions make the decisions for you or 2) project/transfer harder bigger emotions onto other people (i.e. fear, panic, anger, etc). But I have found people are actually more willing to trust others with some really big things after they have shown enough vulnerability to let folks know they have real human emotions and thoughts.

So back to feedback.

As a whole we are just really terrible at giving feedback in corporate settings. We try to make it easier by coming up with silly things like “compliment sandwiches” (don’t use that please) or qualify our own insecurities by giving a disclaimer of “I just tell it like is” or “I’m just being blunt.” But if you go many spaces in athletics or the performing arts where the environment is one of constant feedback you see that people can get the information they need to grow and act on it quite painlessly (Disclaimer: Yes I know there are toxic coaches/teachers out there, but there tends to be more consistent success with feedback and growth overall). This is why you see Harvard Business Reviews on successful coaches or retired athletes becoming guest speakers in corporate spaces. The information and processes used to succeed are more often than not transferrable.

So what are some things that make these spaces successful at given feedback? Well here are my observations:

It is a natural a part of the daily conversation. There isn’t time set aside once a quarter to hear about something you did 5 months ago. Your whole reason for being involved is to practice and get better. And it is an actual conversation. Questions are asked without people getting upset. Clarifications are made.
It is specific. Whether it’s a note about a line in a play or your form in the gym there’s nothing over generalized about it that leaves you guessing at how to fix it.
You also hear when you are doing something right. Feedback isn’t feedback if you only hear about what you’re doing wrong. You need to know what you’re doing right so you can keep replicating that or leverage that strength in different ways. Needing to hear what you did right isn’t a sign that you need to be coddled; it’s strategic and helps you perform better.
It doesn’t feel personal. It’s focused on the action itself and how you perform it. Not you as a person.
It comes from a place and a person that believes you can succeed. You can tell when someone is talking to you and they genuinely care about you and walking along side you because they believe in your greatness. You can also tell when someone is either going through the motions, stroking their own ego or acting from their own insecurities. The delivery changes.

The truth can always be hard to hear sometimes. But you can hear something hard and also feel empowered enough to act on the specific information given. You may feel sad or hard on yourself, but you don’t feel confused or distraught.

So what if you leave a feedback session and you do feel that way? How do you analyze the situation?

Here’s some questions to ask yourself:

Are the other areas in your life where you take actionable feedback well and experience growth without that crappy feeling? Cool. Then you probably don’t have a problem taking feedback.
Does that actual feedback feel accurate? If so, was the delivery itself the problem? If this is the case, you are allowed to feel upset about the delivery. Find a mentor you actually trust to help you with the feedback given.
Are you questioning if the actual feedback is accurate? Good. You should always analyze any feedback for yourself. Not all feedback is given with good intention or thoughtfulness and you don’t have to change something just because someone said so (that’s called people pleasing and that is an entirely different post). Assuming you have a modicum of self-awareness, here are some things to ask yourself:
- Is this feedback coming from a person you respect? No? Move on.
- Is this feedback coming from a well-researched or well-informed place or is coming from surface level perception? There may still be something to learn from this information, but it is not necessarily anything you did wrong.
- Does this feedback match up with other feedback you’ve gotten from other people or does it feel like its out of left field? Once again, there may something else to learn from the situation separate from what was actually told to you and a different trusted mentor can help you sort through that
- Lastly is this a situation where if you don’t act on the feedback it will affect your career or position directly? As long as it doesn’t go against your personal integrity you may need to bite the bullet and go along with it. However that is probably a sign to start looking elsewhere for employment.

“Feedback is a gift” has become a corporate colloquialism that has become weaponized so folks have license to say what they want, how they want it without having to take responsibility when their words or actions hurt people or put effort into how they grow others. It also doesn’t require folks to actually work with you to improve. Yes, you have to be willing to put in the work, but a good leader is willing to walk alongside those he leads not just drop information at their feet and peace out. Accountability goes both ways.

Remember that the word “constructive” before “criticism” implies that you should be building folks not tearing them down.