1. People will always tell on themselves. Let them.
2. The Truth told well, in love, doesn’t need your help.  
3. False humility is a not a flex. Owning your strength while recognizing the need to improve is true maturity.
4. It is not admirable or respectable to “stick it out” in an environment or relationship that makes you feel small or unwelcome. 
5. Trauma comparison isn’t cool. You don’t have to prove you have it worse than someone and you don’t need it justify the good thing you just got it. 
6. Clap for everyone. One day it will be your turn. 
7. Rejection really truly is the greatest form of protection. What is meant for you won’t pass you by. 
8. Do it afraid. Go on the journey with fear in the car. You just don’t let it ride shotgun with access to the playlist. 
9. We all have insecurities. But if you are self aware enough to acknowledge them, they won’t control your actions. 
10. Insecurities scream to be heard. Confidence whispers and everyone listens. 
11. Sometimes you can’t know everything. Just go. 
12. Done is better than perfect. 
13. Consistency always wins in the end. Just keep going. 
14. Excellence is obtainable. Perfection is not. 
15. Balance is everything. Some seasons are for discipline and sacrifice. And some are for rest and gentleness. 
16. Scientifically lone wolves don’t exist…because they die. Go spend time with your friends. 
17. Sometimes your Tik tok algorithm is right and half your personality is a trauma response. Do the work. Go to therapy. 
18. Not all friends are for all things at all times. Recognize that and be okay with it. 
19. Yes I think I’m pretty. No I don’t think that’s weird. I think you’re pretty too. 
20. Asking questions is different than “questioning.” Smart leaders know the difference. The best ones know neither is a bad thing. 
21. Learn the difference between a gut feeling and anxiety. Then trust your gut. Sometimes your nervous system can tell someone or something isn’t safe before your brain can. 
22. I think we’re gonna get to Heaven and realized we cared about a lot of oddly specific things that Jesus never did and ignored a lot of things he actually wanted us to pay attention to. 
23. Listen to your body. If you don’t it will make you. 
24. You’re allowed to change your priorities and your priorities being different from someone else’s doesn’t mean anyone is wrong. 
25. Feeling absolutely unbothered is a sign of growth. 
26. Having fun is not frivolous. It’s essential. 
27. Create different systems for your life so you can free up your brain space and time for things that truly matter.
28. Make sure you want a marriage and not just a wedding. Make sure you want a child not just a baby. 
29. It’s never too late. And you are right on time. 
30. Your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are all tied together. 
31. Progress can be measured a million different ways. 
32. It’s not cool to hate things people like. Have no chill. 
33. How you do one thing is usually how you do everything. Pay attention. Who are you? 
34. Ambition and loyalty are both double edged swords. 
35. “Pay attention to how what I said and not how I said it” is a lazy excuse. How you say it matters just as much and communicates even more. (Please don’t argue with me and my graduate level degree on the subject). 

But the key isn’t just the reminder itself; its how an individual chooses to interpret it as well.

It wasn’t until I was watching “Spider Man: Across the Spider Verse” that I was able to put my finger in the different way leaders interpret this particular catch phrase and the subsequent ramifications. And the difference lies in what people think the “great responsibility” actually is.

There are clearly two lines of thinking in the movie; one that is represented by Miguel O’Hara and his supporters and one that is represented by Miles Morales and those who turn to support his ideals. And I see both Miguel’s and Miles’ way of thinking in action everyday.

Miguel does not believe in interrupting “canon events.” Essentially, he believes in supporting the status quo. Using his painful past experiences as his driving motivation, he believes that “the great responsibility” lies in whatever sacrifice must be made in order to uphold the ways things just are. Not holding this up would lead to, in his mind, to catastrophic consequences. Miguel believes there may be consequences to any other alternative and thus Miles must accept the “lesser” of two evils. Miles must sacrifice someone he loves, supposedly, for safety of others. It seems somewhat noble and heroic on the surface level.

But Miles is not willing to accept the canon events as the way things must be. He is wiling to risk trying something new and try to find a better way. He knows it could be messy and the consequences are truly unknown, but that doesn’t stop him from trying.

And that, in my humble nerdy opinion, is the true responsibility we hold as leaders.

Miguel is clearly driven out of fear. And in this particular case I am not saying that fear is not unfounded. I get it. But what I see so often everyday are leaders who are either consciously or subconsciously driven by fear into making black-and-white decisions no matter the cost fully believing that holding up the current letter of the law is what is best. It is the lesser of two evils. They are willing to sacrifice their uniqueness, a small handful of individuals and sometimes even their personal life to “do what needs to be done.”

But then there are those bold enough that when, given the opportunity of great power, see it as their responsibility to find a better way. They question the system. And though deemed young, naive and too idealistic by society they feel like the responsibility lies in still trying to find a better way for everyone knowing the risks. These people, unlike the former, are not controlled by their fear. They may still be afraid, but the do not let it stop them from trying.

I think the Miguel O’Hara’s of the world truly believe they are doing the right thing. Great power doesn’t corrupt everyone and good people will recognize and have a healthy fear of being handed enough power that would allow them to affect the lives of other people. But the responsibility lies in not letting that fear drive you to play what you feel is the safer option. It does not lie in upholding systems that are not working simply because they are, supposedly, the lesser of two evils.

The scariest part of thinking like Miles is the harsh reality that you still may fail. It doesn’t always work out like the end of a movie. You may not be able to find the solution where everyone wins. But the great responsibility of a hero, and a leader, is to not let your fear stop you from trying to still make the world a better place for everyone.

“You Are a Good Man with a Good Heart, and It’s Hard for a Good Man to Be a King.”

If you could pick a thesis statement for the first Black Panther film and the cornerstone of both T,Challa’s, and then Shuri’s, journey it may be that. And it is one of the least talked about themes in leadership material. I was recently listening to a fairly famous pastor, one who doesn’t lead a mega church, but it is often asked to talk to celebrities and CEOs for his wisdom and guidance, who started his message by saying “I humbly stand before you and submit that I may be wrong and I ask you to examine this for yourself.”

*gasps in corporate*

In nearly any large organized space, whether it may a religious institution, government or private business, it is so rare that any leader will openly admit that they could be wrong and invite difficult discussion on the matter much less allow a safe (SAFE) space for disagreement. Being in leadership means often asking ourselves what is best for the group as a whole and realizing there is no easy answer to that question. There is grey area. There are nuances. There are pros and cons. There are winners and losers. And who is the group you are protecting and who is the enemy? Ultimately it comes down to the age old question “Does the end justify the means?” and the hard reality that your answer may be different then someone else’s.

The answer to “what is the right thing to do” is not always clear. Everyone has a different definition of the right thing. This is why Killmonger’s character is so important to the story and why he is ultimately one of the MCU’s best “villains.” He still had a point. And he sometimes possessed more self-awareness than many a hero that are willing to jump blindly into battle from their unwavering beliefs. It still didn’t make him the good guy of the story, but it did show that sometimes even the good guys get it wrong.

Choosing to be a leader is a risk, but I do love a good calculated risk.

If you aren’t questioning yourself every so often it doesn’t make you more confident; it makes you arrogant. If you are checking yourself every so often it doesn’t make you wishy washy; it makes you thorough. Have people in your inner circle that know how to tell the truth wrapped firmly yet softly in love. Find yourself a soft place to land when you get it wrong and helping hand so you can get back up because leading is freaking hard. Because if you don’t, if shy away from this challenge, someone else will sieze the opportunity for power. And their unconscious ego left unchecked will whisper deadly and silently into their ear that they know what’s best even when they don’t. Delusion can be contagious.

Yes it is hard to be a good man and a good king, but not trying is worse than letting someone step into power who isn’t trying at all. Be confident enough to stick to what you believe is right, but humble enough to admit when you get it wrong.

That quote by Howard Thurman is one I find myself quoting to myself and my peers quite often. When we think of what we can do for a job and what a job, in turn, can do for us, we tend to think very transactionally and factually. And there are some good foundations to that concept. You should be compensated appropriately. You should see a job where they hours fit your schedule and lifestyle. But what about the tasks you are actually doing in the time span you are getting paid for? There will always be pros and cons to every job. It is unavoidable. The trick is to find one where the good outweighs the bad, and hopefully, makes it all feel worth it.

Your life as a whole should reflect just that concept as well. Your life should make you come alive. You should be thriving in it, not surviving it.

And I know what you’re thinking…

Stephanie. Joy? Passion? In this economy? Who has that privilege? It’s kinda hard to do when you’re just trying to make ends meet? And you want me to what…dream?

Yes. I do. Because we will never get out of the mess of a society we are in if we stop dreaming of a different way to go about living. We were taught what worked in the previous generation. And it’s clearly not working now. But we have to start making different decisions from a different perspective.

And that starts with recognizes that we shouldn’t be so much worried about “fueling our passions,” but using our passions to fuel our life. And I do say passions with an “s” because we are in fact allowed to have more than one and build a life where all of them are used.

Part of burn out isn’t always that we are doing too much; its that we are doing too little of what fulfills us. We are filling our time for money, but we are filling it with the wrong things. Have you ever heard of the term “good busy?” Now when was the last time you were “good busy?”

I hit a nerve there didn’t I?

Now that I am in my 30’s I am more focused on building a life versus building a career. That doesn’t change that I am stupidly ambitious, but I trying to make decisions that allow me to live out all of my passions. Our corporate system often tells us you have to choose one thing and be that one thing. You don’t. You can do and be many things even if you can’t do them all at once. The Japanese term “Ikigai,” which is a deep philosophy regarding physical, mental and emotional well being connected to one’s purpose is often accompanied by a diagram that looks at:

1. What you love
2. What you’re good at
3. What the world needs
4. What you can get paid for

I think too often we invert this diagram and ask ourselves question number 4 and don’t even get to question number half the time because what we love and what we find fun are often the things society tells us we need to sacrifice to be “successful.” In fact, it is quite the opposite. Working at a job that makes you a lot of money, but you often hate is not sustainable. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive, but that can only last for so long. And it very often turns you into a very unhappy person that lashes out unfairly at everyone else around in the process. We often find ourselves in that place because following our passions, looking at what we love to do, is seen as a frivolous risk instead of a necessity.

By identifying our passions first we are creating a chain reaction that will help people along the way. And whether that is because you are in a state of fulfillment to give to those around you on a daily basis or because your passions lead you to utilizing a skillset that may literally change the lives of others is yet to be seen, but it is still the best and necessary first step.

If you care about something you will work hard enough to be good at it and if you’re good enough at it you can get paid for it. But you have to put it in the right order.

So, what do you love to do?

“Ted, it’s going to work. Total Football. And I’ll tell you why: The Lasso Way. You haven’t switched tactics in a week. You’ve done this over three seasons by slowly but surely building a club-wide culture of trust and support through thousands of imperceptible moments all leading to their inevitable conclusion. Total Football. It’s gonna work. Doesn’t even matter what number four is.” 

The fact that a random television show on Apple Plus could completely fix corporate America is either brilliant or terrifying. Sadly most people can’t see what’s right in front of them so people like me have to write about it and break it down real slowly, but I digress…

That one line from reporter Trent Crimm perfectly encapsulates why Tedd Lasso is an effective leader even in an area where he is not an expert. It also explains why the team finally starts to gets it groove back shortly after his “what about believe in hope?” speech earlier in the season.

When Ted stays authentic to himself and his methods the team wins.

And what is authentic to him is honestly the example we all should follow. And it is far more nuanced than pretty speeches about optimism and kindness and encouragement going farther than yelling, berating and general aggression.

The players are willing to follow him because he takes the time, in small moments over and over again, to build trust. And that trust has all been building to this moment where he and the staff introduces their most unique strategy to date: total football.

Now on paper this is a strategy that has been used by real coaches in different sports before, but it’s not anything close to what the team has ever done. Traditionally the team runs like many businesses today. Everyone has their speciality and stays in their lane. The super star is front and center and everyone goes to them.

Which works…until it doesn’t in both life and football. But the refusal to change has been the downfall of many a person and a business before. However, the problems with instituting change successfully are infinite. People don’t normally like change and getting use to something new is usually very messy. Most people jump too quickly to the excuse “see I told you it’s not working” before really giving the new strategy a chance to really take hold and produce results. Sometimes trying to create “buy-in” isn’t even something discussed.

But in “The String that Binds Us” you see the team hold on to some really ridiculous ideas and training methods. And it is all because Ted has taken the past couple years to truly build enough trust for the team to hang on even in the most messiest and ludicrous of moments.

This leads Jamie Tart to his breakthrough which is truly the peak of this episode in so many ways. Not only does the team finally “get it” and the strategy of “total football” starts working, but it because Jamie steps up and shows leadership in a way we’ve yet to see.

“Stop going to me. Go through me.”

Jamie realized as a leader he couldn’t employ this strategy from being the one constantly up front and having everyone come to him (doesn’t that sound like a lot of leaders to you?). He had to take a step back. Act as the conduit. Assist with the flow. Only then will the team start to win. Ultimately the best leaders create more leaders. And if Tedd Lasso can inspire Jamie Tart to be a good leader anything is possible.

But why does overall concept of “total football” work not just on the field, but off of it?

There are many reasons, but I think ultimately it represents what happens when you take people out of boxes, letting them grow and trusting them to live to their fullest potential. It represents erasing lines and lanes and ushers in the highest levels of collaboration and exploration. It takes a lot more empowerment and real investment into individuals, teaching them things like flexibility, awareness and mental stamina. It requires leaders to take their hands off the wheel and leave room for people to make decisions in the moment and decide what’s best for each given situation. There’s no black-and-white blanket statements made out of the need to control. It’s training for instincts and tools instead of rules. But as we can see in the TV show it pays off.

So maybe its time for life to imitate art and let’s starting doing things the Ted Lasso Way.

Now there are two different sides to explore in this line of inquiry; one is that of the person leaving and the other is that of those being left behind. Let’s start with the leader. Following Steve’s example, there are three key things needed in order to leave a legacy after your physical departure successfully: 

1. The humility to know you have contributed all you can situation and the ability to recognize when it’s time to move on. 
2. A chosen and recognized successor that is right for the current time who has the ability to uphold the legacy, but in their own unique way. This person will be able to give things to the role that you may not be able to.
3. A plan to pass on, literally or otherwise, all the knowledge and tools to succeed. 

I see leaders make a few key mistakes when it comes to succession planning. The first is not knowing when to move on. Whether it’s lack of awareness, nostalgia or a need to maintain control and power it is not good for the person or the organization to stay in a particular role for too long. This is how growth, both for the leader and the organization, stagnates. In worst case scenarios the organization is dragged backwards while the rest of the world continues to move forward into new ideas and new ways. 

Additionally, not having the foresight to identity and equip a successor (and the organization as a whole) even if you realize it’s time to move on, or your organization decides it time, compounds this damage. People tend to hoard knowledge, sometimes purposefully, to the point where people left behind don’t know how do your job or continue your work with the same level of efficiency. Once again, this could be out of insecurity and ego or just lack of forward thinking. 

But the mantle of Captain America lives on today well because Steve knew a few things including why Sam Wilson was the man for the job even if Sam wasn’t convinced is the first place. 

Steve had lived in service of others his entire existence, but even more so after waking up from his 70 year nap. Removed from his original time, family, friends and love-of-his-life he threw himself into what he did best. But we all know, in real life and the movies, that isn’t sustainable. Not only that, the world is constantly changing which means we all need to recognize when it’s time for us to move onto other goals and let someone take over who is a better fit for the time and the present needs.

Steve saw that in Sam. Yes Sam fit the bill of “not a perfect solider but a good man”  in his own way. But more than that, America needed someone like Sam Wilson to carry the mantle. Though it was, and will continue to be as the MCU progresses, a difficult and sometimes ugly relationship there is no doubt Sam could push the world to change in a way Steve would never be able to. Some have argued Steve didn’t think about what it would mean for Sam to carry the shield. I think he did and that’s why he decided Sam was the next Captain America. His last gift was the legacy of challenging people to see past their current ways of thinking and consider their fellow man in a different light (Please note this is NOT an MCU debate forum; I’m using a theory to make a leadership analogy. If you disagree there’s another platform for that). 

And then he didn’t take the shield as a momento. He didn’t hoard it since it was made “for him.” He left for it Sam. He gave him the literal necessary tool kit to be Captain America. 

Lastly, he believed in Sam even when Sam didn’t believe himself. 

But there’s a second part to a leadership change that the leader only has so much control over and that is how the organization chooses to react. And as a society I don’t think we do this well at all. We don’t like change. We get attached to people and the way things “generally” work. 

And in a society where we often see leadership fail on a daily basis we also don’t want to admit that even the best of us is only human. We can only carry the load for so long. We should continue to hold our leaders accountable in tangible ways, but we cannot expect them to continue to carry the burden of changing the whole system on their own. We have take some accountability on our end for our own actions and reactions to the world around us. I don’t blame Steve for wanting a little respite at all. I didn’t save the world from the brink of extinction and I’m tired! 

Organizations also have to be open minded when it comes to new leadership and new ideas. “This is the way we’ve always done it” is probably one of the most detrimental phrases today. Sam had a hard time finding his own identity as Captain America. He was not Steve Rogers. He had a different lived experience and outlook, but he is still the right man for the right time. 

The same can be said for many new leaders stepping into power. The world my generation grew up in different than the one the previous generations and the way things work has changed. There will always be friction but  both sides can come to the table willing to be open minded when leadership changes occur. 

One of the things I figured out early on in my career is how to make sure make work was sustainable beyond my tenure. If every time I left somewhere my influence and work fell apart then my impact is fleeting. I’ve learned ways to implement programs that can exist beyond my tenure (that will definitely be another post). And one day I hope someone more equip than I can build on that work and take it to the next level.

What would the mantle and legacy of Captain America be if it had ended with Steve Rogers? The fact of the matter is the world is a better place because that legacy lives on and will continue to make an impact in new ways through Sam Wilson. Both men prove in their own way that leaving a leadership legacy involves recognizing and contributing to something bigger than yourself in the service of others.

Or Captain America put it so eloquently “Symbols are nothing without the women and men that give them meaning.”

Special thanks to my dear friend Jay who inspired this piece, my own personal Nick Fury and “Watcher,” who looks out for everyone and reminds us all of the importance of good storytelling.

Honestly this scares me.

This scares me because if I am not where I want to be in life my first thought is “well what else do I need to do?” I am “whatever it takes” kinda gal. I don’t have something I want? Well that’s on me. And I have no problem doing what I need to do to get what I want (or at least I strive to be that person). My over-active self awareness has convinced myself that like Taylor Swift I am always the problem therefore I can always be the one to fix it. I am mortified of being the person who just complains all the time without doing the work. So I must “do the work” all the time.

But the reality is that isn’t how the world works. We can check every box, take every piece of advice and things will still not go accordingly plan. Other people’s decisions impact your world. Societal collapse happens. And the good news and the bad news is that often times you are not the problem. But that means you can’t always fix it. That is not an excuse for inaction, however it is a reminder that you can’t always barrel through your problems like offensive linemen as you aim to tackle your quarterback of an obstacle.

Your career and your life is not a sprint. It’s not even a marathon. It is a journey. It ebbs and flows. It’s uphill sometimes and downhill other times. There is sunshine and rain. And you adjust for all of it over time. It doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress and it doesn’t mean you won’t arrive at your intended destination exactly when you were meant to arrive.

And much of it is mean to be enjoyed too. Crazy, right?

I can tell, through a variety of changes lately, that it looks like I will be entering a new era of life after a season that felt like I had been doing nothing but sprint from one crisis to the next. I can focus on myself and other things besides my immediate “day job.” With that realization, I felt fear mix with my excitement because I was so afraid to take the hands off the wheel and off the gas pedal and trust everything would be okay. Slowing down for a moment, trusting that I’ve laid the groundwork enough to step back and enjoy the things that make me happy doesn’t make me inferior and doesn’t mean the things I want in life will be delayed.

What it may mean is that I will be happier and healthier long term. It will mean, even if those goals take a little longer, I will be able to enjoy and excel in those moments instead of push through more and more mounting burnout. I cannot dictate the timing of my life. I can only live the best practices that set me up for success when the time is right. And that is a way of consistent and sustainable living; not constantly working myself to the bone until I “get what I want.”

Being able to recognize the season you are in and what your mind, body and soul need in that season will be crucial to your personal and professional growth and how effective you are as a leader. You can have advisors, mentors and friends help you, but ultimately it is your job to recognize what is best for you in that season.

Whether you are in your busy girl era or your healing girl era, be in that era and that moment and recognize when it’s time for a new one and evolve. If it works for Miss Taylor, it’ll work for you.

Feedback is not supposed to leave you feeling confused, isolated or terrible about yourself.

Read that again.

If you leave some sort of check in or any sort of meeting where feedback is given and you feel like sh*t something is wrong. And it may or may not be the feedback itself (it could be, but not always). But at bare minimum how it was given went very, very wrong.

“Maybe you’re just too sensitive or don’t take criticism well.”

Sure. Maybe. But I would wager most of the time that is not the case. Also, if no one ever told you: You’re allowed to be sensitive. You are allowed to care about your work and yourself and be upset if you make a mistake or something disappointing happens. If someone is mean to you, you’re allowed to cry. Emotions are not a sign of weakness. Your job is make sure you 1) don’t let the emotions make the decisions for you or 2) project/transfer harder bigger emotions onto other people (i.e. fear, panic, anger, etc). But I have found people are actually more willing to trust others with some really big things after they have shown enough vulnerability to let folks know they have real human emotions and thoughts.

So back to feedback.

As a whole we are just really terrible at giving feedback in corporate settings. We try to make it easier by coming up with silly things like “compliment sandwiches” (don’t use that please) or qualify our own insecurities by giving a disclaimer of “I just tell it like is” or “I’m just being blunt.” But if you go many spaces in athletics or the performing arts where the environment is one of constant feedback you see that people can get the information they need to grow and act on it quite painlessly (Disclaimer: Yes I know there are toxic coaches/teachers out there, but there tends to be more consistent success with feedback and growth overall). This is why you see Harvard Business Reviews on successful coaches or retired athletes becoming guest speakers in corporate spaces. The information and processes used to succeed are more often than not transferrable.

So what are some things that make these spaces successful at given feedback? Well here are my observations:

1. It is a natural a part of the daily conversation. There isn’t time set aside once a quarter to hear about something you did 5 months ago. Your whole reason for being involved is to practice and get better. And it is an actual conversation. Questions are asked without people getting upset. Clarifications are made.
2. It is specific. Whether it’s a note about a line in a play or your form in the gym there’s nothing over generalized about it that leaves you guessing at how to fix it.
3. You also hear when you are doing something right. Feedback isn’t feedback if you only hear about what you’re doing wrong. You need to know what you’re doing right so you can keep replicating that or leverage that strength in different ways. Needing to hear what you did right isn’t a sign that you need to be coddled; it’s strategic and helps you perform better.
4. It doesn’t feel personal. It’s focused on the action itself and how you perform it. Not you as a person.
5. It comes from a place and a person that believes you can succeed. You can tell when someone is talking to you and they genuinely care about you and walking along side you because they believe in your greatness. You can also tell when someone is either going through the motions, stroking their own ego or acting from their own insecurities. The delivery changes.

The truth can always be hard to hear sometimes. But you can hear something hard and also feel empowered enough to act on the specific information given. You may feel sad or hard on yourself, but you don’t feel confused or distraught.

So what if you leave a feedback session and you do feel that way? How do you analyze the situation?

Here’s some questions to ask yourself:

1. Are the other areas in your life where you take actionable feedback well and experience growth without that crappy feeling? Cool. Then you probably don’t have a problem taking feedback.
2. Does that actual feedback feel accurate? If so, was the delivery itself the problem? If this is the case, you are allowed to feel upset about the delivery. Find a mentor you actually trust to help you with the feedback given.
3. Are you questioning if the actual feedback is accurate? Good. You should always analyze any feedback for yourself. Not all feedback is given with good intention or thoughtfulness and you don’t have to change something just because someone said so (that’s called people pleasing and that is an entirely different post). Assuming you have a modicum of self-awareness, here are some things to ask yourself:
   • Is this feedback coming from a person you respect? No? Move on.
   • Is this feedback coming from a well-researched or well-informed place or is coming from surface level perception? There may still be something to learn from this information, but it is not necessarily anything you did wrong.
   • Does this feedback match up with other feedback you’ve gotten from other people or does it feel like its out of left field? Once again, there may something else to learn from the situation separate from what was actually told to you and a different trusted mentor can help you sort through that
   • Lastly is this a situation where if you don’t act on the feedback it will affect your career or position directly? As long as it doesn’t go against your personal integrity you may need to bite the bullet and go along with it. However that is probably a sign to start looking elsewhere for employment.

“Feedback is a gift” has become a corporate colloquialism that has become weaponized so folks have license to say what they want, how they want it without having to take responsibility when their words or actions hurt people or put effort into how they grow others. It also doesn’t require folks to actually work with you to improve. Yes, you have to be willing to put in the work, but a good leader is willing to walk alongside those he leads not just drop information at their feet and peace out. Accountability goes both ways.

Remember that the word “constructive” before “criticism” implies that you should be building folks not tearing them down.

I forgot what prompted me to say that in conversation, but I think it is important to talk about what happens after something goes wrong in any sort of relationship, but especially in a working environment. Over time in this community, we will all aim to come together to learn and grow as people and as leaders. We try to foster relationships and repair systems. But we can only be responsible for our own choices. Which is why we need to have this conversation now. Because not everyone will make those same choices.

In most industries you usually hit a point in your career where you realize how small the world actually is. That is usually about the point you also start seeing who you can trust and who you cannot. Trust is a word we throw around today without really taking time to discuss the definition. But we still seem to know more ways it can be broken than built. When I use the word “trust” in this context I am both talking about integrity (I trust you to not lie to me or about me) and reliability (I trust that when you say you will get the job done you will).

When someone breaks our trust, the initial instinct is want to run away, burn everything down or a combination of both. It hurts. It is disappointing. It is frustrating. But sometimes we don’t have that option. Either we are still currently working with that person or you might run into them into another fashion someday. And let me tell you, even if you think you’ve “left” a workplace it doesn’t mean you won’t run into those people professionally elsewhere or you end up coming back to the organization in a different fashion. The fact of the matter is you don’t know your professional future.

“But Stephanie!” you say, “You can’t ignore the evidence!”

No you can’t. And I don’t think you should. This person or this organization has shown their true colors. So what do you do?

You want to avoid burning bridges as much as you can in your career (as tempting as it may be), but you still need to protect yourself. The bridge has proven unreliable.

So don’t put any weight on it.

Let’s say you have learned a person isn’t reliable with deadlines. Either stop going to that person for things or set in certain levels of accountability so if he misses it there are consequences. Let’s say another person has lied to you about something or spilled a personal secret. You don’t go to them anymore with your personal opinions and you don’t ask for their input. Sometimes the only way through a project or process is a single “bridge,” but most of the time there are multiple ways to get a job done. Go around the bridge. Limit using the bridge. Anchor yourself in another way if you have to use the bridge.

Burning it down may only make it harder for you in the future (what if you do have to go back through it at one point) and cause a great deal of damage in the present (collateral damage is real if things get out of hand). There are times when cutting someone out of your life may seem like the easiest course of action (and there are times in truly mentally and emotionally abusive situations where this is necessary), but there are also times that isn’t even an option for you. But you can reassess the relationship and decide how much “weight” this bridge can hold and how much “weight” this person holds in your life. How you relate and use the bridge is still up to you in the end.

So leave the matches at home and pick up a map to find another way around instead.

1. Give yourself permission to suck at something. Now most folks in leadership have a hint of overachiever in their blood somewhere so being bad at something sounds absolutely cringe-worthy. This is one of the reasons it’s so much easier to learn when you are a child. You don’t have an ego yet. Check it at the door and tell yourself you can’t be great at something right away. 
2. Don’t do it alone. Find an expert who knows how to teach. Whether that is an in person paid professional or a youtube video, you will make progress when you establish the right habits and practices early on. If you try to do it all yourself you will probably waste a lot of time throwing spaghetti against wall and will get frustrated from not seeing results. 
3. Start small and learn how to sustain that first before building. Most people set themselves up for failure when they set a goal to do fill-in-the-blank new thing every day or even 5 days a week when first starting. Be consistent with once a week then move on to 2-3 times, etc, etc. 
4. Fall in love with process. I KNOW IT’S A CLICHÉ. But you have to love the journey just as much as the destination or it will be really hard to stick it out when things get difficult or you get tired or bored. 
5. Lastly, know the difference between discipline and motivation. You won’t always be motivated. Don’t rely on it. It is a fickle friend and tricks for staying motivated won’t always work. But your discipline will never let you down. Your discipline is the little voice inside your head that tells you it will feel worse if you DON’T follow through with something. It is the voice that reminds you to be okay with short term sacrifice for a long-term gain. 

So whether it’s a leadership practice, a new hobby or a lifestyle change learning something new will require vulnerability and time, but as a very weird sarcastic old college professor of mine once said “if you aren’t busy being born, you’re busy dying.” Essentially, we were made to constantly learn and grow and seek new information becoming better versions of ourselves until the very end. 

And when we become better people, we become better leaders.